Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Daddy Dearest...Part 2

I want to continue my post from yesterday.  I was thinking last night and talking to my husband, he read my post and form the daddy stand point thought it was very honest and heart felt.  He suggested I post a gift I made him for his birthday which was 2 weeks prior to our son being born.  I made him a survival kit and survival guide that goes with it.  We read through it and after having the baby can’t believe how funny and true it actually is.  Here is a Daddy Survival Guide for all you dads and how to deal with your partners through the pregnancy/labor/delivery and first few months home.  Disclaimer ** Sense of humor is key.**

During Pregnancy:
  • Food will become her best friend.  If you fail to give her what she wants, be prepared for the consequences.  After you have gone on the hunt to find the best clams zuppa in town, in a snow storm, at 10 o’clock at not even dare to ask her if you can have a bite.  The only bite that will happen is her biting off your finger.
  • Expect to have high stress levels.  Picture yourself working for a car dealership where you must meet a quota and have all the paperwork correct while have 4 different boss’s watching your every move and telling you every single thing you are doing wrong, meanwhile you must make the sale.  Multiply that by 10 and this is the stress you will be feeling during the pregnancy.  This will cause you to eat more and gain weight. So...under no circumstance do you ever and I mean EVER mention how big your partner is getting..even if she looks like a beached whale. 
  • You can absolutely 100% take sex off the table.  It will not happen and the only chance you have of it happening is if she gets so desperate to get the baby out that the only method of induction is to use you.  I assure you, you will not get out of the pregnancy the same way you got in, but since this is probably all you will get...take advantage.  
  • If you thought your partner was a bed hog you no longer have a spot on the bed.  It has been overthrown by the giant body pillow she will be snuggled up to rather than you.  Don’t be offended, this too shall pass.
  • Finally, if you so much as muttered an “owch” you will wish you were in hell because it will be much nicer than the response you will get from your partner.  I don’t care what the situation, do not complain to your partner.  It will not end well...I promise.

During labor and delivery:
  • Take a flask to the hospital, and a Klonopin. 
  • When the doc asks “do you want an epidural?” the doc is not talking to you.
  • If your partner wants drugs during childbirth, go get the doctor. Don’t ask, “Are you sure?”
  • The most surprising thing to come out of your partner during delivery will be the curse words directed at you…don’t take it personal.
  • Always agree with her.

Home from the hospital:

  • During the first week home from the hospital, you will learn to love pasta.
  • Yes, you’re holding the baby wrong. Do it her way.
  • After a day of changing diapers, it will be second nature.
  • Be careful about using the word we. For instance, never say, “We did so good in labor!” She will hurt you…
  • When your mother pulls you aside and tells you that breastfeeding will ruin her breasts, babies need to eat every hour and that if you pick up the baby every time baby cries then baby will never be independent enough to go to sleep away camp, don’t believe her.
  • During the second week home from the hospital, you will learn to love pasta.
  • You’ll be surprised and amazed how well you can function on so little sleep.
  • No one knows why babies need so many clothes, especially since they don’t get out much. It’s one of those things you’ll try figuring out for the rest of your life.  Be prepared to do laundry 10 to 12 times a day..of just baby clothes.
  • It’s perfectly normal to stare at your sleeping baby for two hours. It’s even normal to take a video of your sleeping baby for two hours.
  • Never get ready for work then grab the baby, you will get thrown up on.
  • Things you thought would make you sick but won’t:  baby poop, baby pee, baby puke — and having all of them on your shirt.
  • During the third month home — yup. pasta.
  • Your partner will probably eat more than a sumo wrestler. Don’t try to compete.
  • Sometime after the birth, we will go on a “date.” Once you get in the car, she will start missing the baby. Don’t worry; this doesn’t last forever.
  • Now you know why your friends use really great condoms.
  • After a slew of family visits, you will learn to appreciate the show “Everybody Loves Raymond.” 
  • The only weight you can control is your own, don’t start subtle hints about losing the baby weight…4 years after the baby is born.  
  • Now you’ll know why all those dads at the mall walk around in those ridiculous cotton sweats…it’s all they can afford and all they can muster enough energy to put on.
  • Within six months, you’ll resume some semblance of a sex life. With any luck, it will be with your partner.
  • Of course it changes everything. That’s the whole point, isn’t it?

I say all of this with the upmost respect for dad’s.  After looking back, I can’t believe the torture I put my poor husband through.  Unfortunately, you will find at least half of this to be true.  Be comforted to know it will eventually pass.  I can’t stress enough to keep the lines of communication open between you and your partner, but be diplomatic about it.  Wording is key when dealing with a pregnant woman.  I have gained an appreciation for you dads for dealing with us moms.  I know it isn’t easy, but be thankful that you don’t have to birth the child.  My final word of advice to all you daddy’s:
Enjoy every second of everyday whether it be the pregnancy, delivery, or the first months of having you son or daughter home.  It goes too fast and every moment, no matter how traumatic, is a blessing and will be incredibly worth it in the end.
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